Moving On Up!

Hello again to those of you that have stuck around! Look at me being active & stuff! Okay, so I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on the events that have happened and that are going to happen in the last and next few days.

For starters, welcome back and I hope to keep this going. I had this urge today to post and I'm not sure why but here I am! I just want to share the fact that I have dug up a new found piece underneath the pain in my chest and I am ecstatic. I am moving forward in my life and I don't plan on letting anything stop me. I am feeling unbeatable - usually when this happens the crash is bad so stay tuned but let's keep our fingers crossed! I have felt a change within myself. I caught myself singing and dancing in public! If any of you know me, you know that that is not something I often do and to make matters better, I didn't care! I vaguely felt a gnawing at the back of my head like, "Oh, I heard those people laugh, are they laughing at me?" but it wasn't overpowering! It is so nice to feel like I can be myself and not feel embarrassed!

I am becoming more independent and strong-willed as well. I am also becoming more confident and these are all amazing things! Things aren't bothering me like they usually do and it's not because I'm numb anymore. Well, not entirely numb. I still feel that numbness but I'm starting to feel stuff again. Urges, Pulls, Muses, Inspiration, Determination. I'm still waiting to feel that happiness, there is a peace that has befallen me but I wouldn't necessarily say that it's happy, just...peaceful. My mind still races but it's easier to stop the thoughts or at least redirect them. I'm not sure if this is because of my medicine or because of my situation changing so much.

I can definitely tell you, I have no interest in intimate relationships right now, or that kind of sexual relationship either because I feel like there are more important things to focus on than that, such as starting school! I'm so anxious but honestly I'm excited. Like, I know it's going to be hard and I'm going to be tired but it will be so worth it and I am determined to do everything I can to get the best grade I can possibly get! The only other thing I'm worried about is how much my loans cover, I might have to take out a personal loan to pay for the rest of it (Eek!) but again, it'll be worth it in the end.

Honestly, I've had some financial hiccups but I've got them figured out and under control and I'm so proud of myself for that! Like, usually, I'd be lost and be like, "Oh crap, what am I going to do, this and that are due and I have this much left!!" But I told myself that I will figure this out one way or another and that's exactly my plan. This also tells me I need to watch my checks but I shouldn't have to be so worried once I start getting paid at my second job, I mean it's not very many hours but it's decent pay for the amount of hours I am getting so I'm not complaining. It's additional income and it'll make me feel better financially. To be honest, I enjoy working and I felt the urge to rejoin the retail industry, even if it's temporary or not particularly enjoyable but I miss that kind of environment.

My primary jobs schedule is about to change again and the hours are more but they don't allow me to get much done aside from working, I will be working from 8:30 AM to 4 PM at least Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Although, Tuesdays and Thursdays I'll be working 10:30 AM to 6:30 PM - which is pretty long too but at least I get to come in later. Unfortunately, I will be working from 8:30 AM to 6:30 PM on Wednesdays, that'll be a pretty long day but I suppose it's better than 7:30 AM to 6:30 PM - which is the earliest I'd be able to work at my primary job. But then, with my secondary job Mondays I will be working 8:30 AM to 9 PM so, that's also a long day but hey, money! I guess one could call me a workaholic? I don't know what to do with myself if I don't work, it doesn't help that I don't have a lot of friends that are able to hang out with me when I am off...so I guess that kind of turned me into a workaholic. Now you guys know that I'm super busy - "but why are you telling us this?" so that you know that if I do post, it'll probably be late at night!

I haven't really gotten to do a whole lot of swimming this summer and the summer is already almost over - which is hella unfortunate - but maybe if I grind hard this summer next summer I can travel! That would be amazing! I mean, I'll still be in school but I'm sure I can do school while I travel! I can't wait to get back into photography! I have been yearning to go and do some photography but I'm so tired when I get home because of the clients I work with, hopefully when my clients switch up I won't be so tired and I'll be able to get out more and do more photography. I really want to post more pictures for you guys! I'm also attempting to get back into art and music, that's been a struggle because of my low confidence with art and music but since my self-confidence is changing, who's to say my artistic and musical confidence won't change for the better? I even thought about taking up Kayaking because I experienced Kayaking for the first time with my little sister and it was honestly so relaxing! I mean, it was a little stressful because I had no idea what the hell I was doing at first but once I got the hang of it, I loved it! Now, I can bring my dog because my mom got her a little doggie floatation device and I'm so excited to try it out! I don't know how she feels about the water, I want to know!

Well, this was a long spiel about my life and I see no moral or lesson or any point I was getting to aside from I'm starting my new job and I'll be attending school soon! Cheers to changes and self-love!