Something Rising

Hello and welcome!

I have been gone for a while and last time I posted I still worked as a Register Behavior Technician (RBT), but I have not been an RBT since September 15, 2021 I believe. Let's just say, a lot has happened since then, I will tell you all about it in this post - if you care to read to the end.

There were several reasons as to why I resigned as an RBT. It's also sad as to why this came to be. For starters, I enrolled in Purdue University Global in the Masters program in Psychology. My goal is to become a Board Certified Behavior Analyst. I began my schooling with things being minimally stressful. I was attending work as an RBT and attending seminars - all the schooling is online - every Wednesday but I noticed that I was being scheduled until 6:30pm CST every Wednesday, even after I informed my bosses that I had a seminar to attend every Wednesday from 7pm CST to 8pm CST and told them that I lived approximately 25 minutes away from work - that's when traffic was good - and I had a dog to take care of. I asked that I not be scheduled after 6pm CST, I asked multiple times and nothing was done about it. This was frustrating to not only me but my Professor who was getting frustrated because I kept showing up to the seminar ten to fifteen minutes late - this would have been the same as if I were going to class physically and kept showing up to class ten to fifteen minutes late. I knew a few professors in Undergrad that would ask you to not show up at all if you're going to be more than five minutes late because at that point you would be disrupting the rest of the students. Even after numerous times of me asking to not be scheduled past 6pm CST, nothing was done about it and I kept showing up late to class, finally I decided that it was getting to be a bit ridiculous with scheduling, I was willing to keep trying to work there though but I continued to get scolded in front of clients and coworkers and that began to bother me.

I knew there were several other RBTs that did not particularly like me and I didn't really care except for the fact that when they would speak to me, they would be nasty and if I showed up a minute or two late from lunch, they would get an attitude with me while if one of their friends would do it a, "Oh, you're fine girl, I know how it is!" so there was a lot of favoritism going on. On top of that, one of my supervisors raised their voice at me in front of a client a few times when all I was trying to do was ask for advice on how to deal with a behavior and of course the client would be concerned and look at me strangely when my supervisor raised their voice at me.

Now, rule of thumb, you should never raise your voice - as a supervisor - to your employee in front of customers, clients, other employees or other supervisors. This is high unprofessional and discredits the employee - the one being "yelled" at - and also discourages the employee. When you get ridiculed in front of enough people, you begin to believe you are no good and you also become uncomfortable working at that place of employment, you create a hostile work environment this way. What I find ironic is the fact that, when the Pandemic first started in 2020, I was just starting my job as a RBT but seeing as the government basically shut down and I lived with my mother at the time, I was implored by my mother - who was sent home to work because she worked for the State - to not go to work where I could possibly be exposed to COVID-19 due to either the children I worked with or the other employees so I went into what was called "Furlough."

During this time, I maintained my job as an RBT however, I worked from home - at the time TeleHealth wasn't that popular yet - so I spent a lot of my time training for the job. During this training, I was instructed to watch several videos, read several articles, and do several assignments verifying my understanding of the content I was instructed to review. One of the videos I watched was focused on what's called "Intent VS. Impact" which was basically explaining how when working with others one needs to be aware of the things they are saying and doing and how they intend on affect others versus how it actually affects others. This means, being mindful of the tone in which you say things, the way you say things, and the nonverbal cues you send along with the verbal cues. What I noticed was that no one was paying attention to the Impact that their words or actions had on others.

I had become hyperaware of the way people spoke to me at work due to various incidents that I feel were wrongly dealt with. I tried to let the incidents go but as I kept getting treated as I did, I began to doubt myself and doubt my future goals and dreams. The environment had grown toxic to me. I dreaded going to work not because of the job itself but because of the way people treated me. I loved working with those kids and if things would have changed sooner, I would never have left, I would've kept trying to get them to work around my schedule or at least keep pushing forward despite them not working with my schedule but because they treated me in the manner they did, I lost confidence in not only my ability as a RBT but as myself. To this day, I don't understand what exactly it was that made people treat me the way they did. I believed I was a hard worker and I did my best every day that I could.

Now, what really pushed over the edge was a possible promotion. I want you to read this carefully, I wasn't angry that I didn't get the job, I was fine with the fact that it was given to someone else - I was a little upset but not upset enough to leave. It was the words that were spoken to me that broke my spirit. The way that they phrased their rejection. I can handle rejection, I've dealt with it forever, but, the way they rejected me, hurts my heart to this day.

The job opening was for the role of RBT Manager - this is the person that schedules RBTs, hires RBTs, and sets up training and new-hire tasks for RBTs. I have always been an organized person - despite what one may think when stepping into my bedroom (it's organized in a manner in which I can find the things I need) - and organization has always been one of my fortes. Managing people had become a strength of mine, in my opinion. I worked as an Assistant Store Manager at a Gas Station for nearly two whole years and went through training processes, potential employees, and management of current employees. Before that, I worked as a Staffing Coordinator and was responsible for selecting eligible candidates for certain jobs that we had available. So, managing people - talking to people in a way they feel comfortable - has always been a strength. I thought that I was well qualified for the job. I knew that my interview was a little unorganized due to scheduling errors - not on my behalf - and technology errors (my resume could not be read and I was unable to print it off prior). However, I remained confident.

Everyone who interviewed was informed that results would be announced in a weeks time from the interview. I was fine with this. I went about my daily tasks as usual, I didn't slack, I didn't boast, and during this time I actually had someone raise their voice at me and I had to confront a supervisor because there were suspicious circumstances surrounding one of my clients' disappearances. No one was telling me what was going on and as someone who worked with the client and was on their regular team, I felt I deserved to know what was going on - no I didn't need in-depth details, I just needed to have an idea of what was going on so I could anticipate changes. I wasn't rude about it, I wasn't vindictive. I was polite and professional. I still have a theory that my confrontation had something to do with me not getting the job but that's neither here nor there.

Finally, the day the results were to be announced came. It appeared a few people were notified about the results before I was because they did not show up at work that day, which I found kind of suspicious. I ignored my suspicions though and went about my day. It happened to be a day that I needed to stay late for a client. It was a 6:30pm type of day. It was about 6pm when one of my supervisors - the Assistant Clinical Manager (ACM) - received a call on the work phone. I was thinking, oh, maybe my clients family will be late, it's nice that they're calling to let us know. However, as I was cleaning up my client and I's messes - my client happened to be virtually blind - my ACM told me that one of the other supervisors were on the phone and wanted to talk to me. I found this strange. Why were they calling the work phone? What could it be about? I took the phone, hesitantly, and answered. My supervisor was asking me how things were going, I said, "Great, thanks for asking, I hope you're enjoying the rest of your night." She told me that another supervisor was on the phone with us. I said, "Oh, okay, hi." the other supervisor said hi and then we jumped into it. This is kind of how it went - I will omit names.

"So, we're calling about the RBT Manager position."

"Oh, okay, how was the interview process, kind of tough?" I joked.

"Oh it was a tough one all right, I wish we could've hired all of you guys, but we only need one RBT Manager."

"Right, we don't have enough people for more." I joked again, I liked to keep things light.

"Unfortunately. So, we just wanted to let you know that after a tough consideration, we have decided that we will not be selecting you as our RBT Manager, not that you interview bad."

"Oh, okay. Well, congratulations to the one you selected, is it okay if I ask if there was a particular reason that I was not selected, or is that not okay?" I asked, a little disheartened but still trying to keep things kind of light.

"Well, we'd really like to see more improvement in your role as an RBT."

"Okay..." I said uncertainly.

"I mean, there's always room for improvement for anyone!" My supervisor responds quickly.

"Of course..." I say, at this point the only thing running through my mind is, what kind of improvements are you looking for because when I'm supervised - watched by a supervisor to ensure I'm doing my job correctly - I get minimal negative feedback. Everyone is always telling me how much I've improved since I first started. So of course, I'm confused and a little insulted at her words. How am I supposed to improve if no one is telling me what I'm doing wrong. I rarely get on my phone and when I do, I'm checking time - because I'm supposed to wear glasses but due to the mask mandate I can't wear glasses without them getting fogged up every time I breath - because I can't see the clocks. I always engaged with my client. I had minimal errors - according to my reviews - in my Discrete Table Trials (DTT or we called them Table Times) and I did my best to become reinforcing for my clients.

Now, to some of you, this may seem trivial but if you knew how I was when I started; I didn't take feedback well, I forgot things often, I messed up Table Times, etc., versus how I was then it was a incredible transformation. But what really got me was that magic word. Really. Not just, "we'd like to see a little more improvement..." but "we'd really like to see more improvement." and again, I go back to how can one improve if one is not being told what they need to improve? So after that incident, the several incidents in the past, and on top of everything else, the scheduling issues, I decided that the best course of action - for my mental health and well-being - was to resign as a RBT at the company I worked for. It was not an easy choice because the thought of never seeing those kids again and helping improve their lives and see the difference killed me. To this day, I think of my children that I worked with and I get teary eyed. I miss them. They were the ones that kept me going on tough days. Now, due to poor management and poor people skills, I don't know if I'll ever see any of those kids again.

Of course, I had a plan. Before any of this had happened, when I first heard about the position of RBT Manager, I had already applied for a second job, a job that was intended to be a Part-Time Gig but the more I thought about the ease of the part-time job and the mental and emotional toll of the RBT job, as much as I didn't want to give up on being an RBT, I had to make a decision that was best for me. After I had been rejected for the RBT Manager position, I decided that the way I was being treated was not worth the mental distress I endured and I proceeded to start began the process of becoming a Full-Time Employee at my current job.

Now, many would say that where I currently work is a downgrade from where I worked before but I managed to get the pay I need and the hours I need with less stress and mental distress. I will take being an Assistant Store Manager of a franchised store over a down-trodden, disliked, treated like dirt RBT any day. I informed my current employer that this is not a permanent job for me, this is temporary until I get further into my schooling and then when I get further into my schooling I will be pursuing my goals. They understood and accepted me as their store manager and the environment is much less suppressive than working at the company I previously worked.

Since I have been working at this company, I have been stressed but not down-sized or degraded or put-down since. My coworkers and my employees and I get a long pretty well, I'm not saying we're best buddies but we also don't treat each other like crap. My boss is a bit of a spaz, much like me, but he's a good guy. He may get overwhelmed and like to tell a bunch of stories but he's never made me feel like crap. He's never made me feel like I was worthless and he's never made me feel like I'm a crappy employee or a crappy person. None of my coworkers or employees have. I maintain the amount of professionalism that is needed but I am also allowed to be myself without fear of being treated terribly different or looked down on. My boss and I have had many contradictory conversations about beliefs but never once has he treated me differently because of it. In fact, I believe that we understand each other a bit better now. The same goes for my coworkers. We've shared ideals and views but no one gets treated any differently and that's how it should be. We don't treat each other like crap just because we're having a bad day and any time we feel as though we may have had a worse impact than we intended we apologize promptly. I think the employees at my current place of work are more conscious of their intent vs impact than my previous job was and these guys weren't even instructed to view a video and write a paper about the importance of impact vs. intent. I get a lot of support from these guys and they're even supporting my efforts to become a published author.

Since I have started working with this company, I have also gone out and adopted a new Fur Baby. His name is Scrappy and he is only 3 months and a day old as of today. He's a handful and sometimes stinks a lot but he gives great hugs and great cuddles. My 3 year old fur baby Myla was skeptical when I brought him home, now she gets upset when I leave the house with him without her. She doesn't like it when I take him away from her. He is a big boy, he's a Beagle and some type of hound mix while she is a Chihuahua and a Papillion mix, it's funny to watch them play because she's so much smaller than him but he runs from her sometimes to me because he gets scared. When I first got Scrappy, he was called Brent but I didn't feel like that suited him, I felt like he was more like Scrappy from Scooby-Doo and let me tell you, he definitely has a similar personality to Scooby's nephew. He likes to watch videos and tv and likes to help me write my stories. He thinks he's got great ideas, but usually he's just spacing out the events. The more I watch Scrappy grow, the more I fear that he's going to be a bigger boy than I thought, but I'm okay with that. I will love him no matter what.

My graduate studies have kept me busy and Scrappy doesn't always like it when he sees me on the computer trying to do assignments so to make sure I know that he's upset, he likes to put his head in my lap and make my move my computer far away while I do work. I just finished a Statistics class and before the statistics class, I was holding a GPA of 4.0 which is amazing because I haven't had a 4.0 GPA since Elementary school. Currently, I am on a break from classes until the third of March and then I start back up.

Recently, I've gotten back into writing. I'm so glad that I have finally continued a story that I've been working on since 2009. It is not finished and I'm not sure when it will be finished but I do plan on getting it published, so keep your eyes peeled. I have a few that I want to get published. I find myself most at ease when I'm writing about my characters and the trials and traumas that they experience. Some of them bring tears to my eyes, others cause me to fear my own mind but all of them make me feel more like me. Writing has always been my escape. It has always been there when I felt like nothing.

For 5 years of my life...I gave up everything for a man who wouldn't even sacrifice his time to visit an art museum for one day with me. For 5 years of my life, I put a halt on my writing, drawing, painting, singing, dancing all because he made me feel silly for being interested in such things. I thought that if I continued to push and make him understand that that is part of my hobby that one of these days, he might support me and praise me and remind me that he loves my creativity...but that day never came, not until I broke up with him for the final time. Suddenly, everything I tried to do with him, he tried to do with me. It enraged me. How dare you ask me to go do something that I'd been begging you to do with me for years when I had decided to be done? For 5 years of my life, I let a man ridicule the idea of marrying me in front of his friends. For 5 years, I heard the words, "We'll see" when I asked if he wanted to be with me forever. For 5 years, I let him tell me that I was "too emotional" and that I needed to "calm down and stop freaking out" because he stopped wanting to go outside of the house with me. For 5 years, I let him blow me off for his friends and only come back to me at odd hours of the night. For 5 years, I watched a man look at me with disgust every time I tried to be myself. For 5 years, I let a man tell me that I needed to be on medication because I was unstable. For 5 years, I cried every time I heard the song "I hate u, I love u" by Gnash. For 5 years, I isolated myself from my friends and family on and off because a man told me to. For 5 years, I thought I loved a man who loved me just the same. For 5 years, I lied to myself.

Let me clarify, I do not hate him. I hate who I was with him. I hate how he treated me. I lost respect for him. I lost admiration for him. I lost faith in him. If I were a guy and he were my friend, I would've said that he was a good dude. Even now, I can still say that he is a good guy, he's just not a good boyfriend. He's not got goals like I do, he's not got motivation like I've gotten, and he's content with the way his life is. I will never remain stagnant. That is one thing I cannot do. I will always keep moving forward and up. I will always have something else to strive for. I will always push on. I may stumble and fall sometimes but I get right back up and keep on going because I don't give up - I never should have and I never will again.